On the weight front

Boy it seems forever since I have written about my weight journey, got to go see my favorite dietitian ever today, the girl just rocks.
After back  surgery I was terribly set back with the fluid retention in my leg, 9 pounds, it was scary, I have really not been able to exercise, just am starting to walk a bit straighter, but trying hard none the less.But gaining when losing was the goal was a terrible feeling especially when there was nothing I could do but wait and see.
I had noticed over  the last few days cloths starting to fit different, and I was right, I have only 5 pounds to go, doesn't mean I will stop, the more I can lose before hand the better of a start I will be giving myself.
I love this journey, I have tried everything and nothing in my life has worked, and so with Christmas almost gone, and not having even had one of my moms cookies yet, I am feeling like I won't be gaining this holiday season.
I just can't wait till January, I was to see the surgeon on the 29th of this month and set a date, and they had to change it, which is fine as with the fluid retention and pain still, I was not sure when it would leave, so now being back to the losing road is great.
So with 15 pound down ,5 to go and hopefully more, I continue to practice chewing 25-30 times, with each bite, it is boring, I tell ya.but seeing the results is wonderful.I just can't wait to pass that 20 pound mark! I am gonna hug everyone in my path.

Again

I have a dear friend who called today to chat, we usually pray together once a week and have not had time the last several weeks so it was  a time of catching up and encouragement and blessing.
She asked what was holding me to an area that I have been struggling with, and I told her at first it was cause you know the saying if you don't deal it with it now you will have to deal with it again? Well that was the advice I had gotten from some.I know I have forgiven, I know time heals and I KNOW God is in control and as I brought it all before Him , He so clearly showed me I would yes go through things like this again, as they are so big to teach it all at once would be to big for me, He showed me it was like a runner as you run you build muscle, but you can't expect it to stay if you don't continue, you sweat, and get out "junk" .But I need to keep running towards Him for more teaching, He sees each tear and knows there is sorrow and joy in each one. But if I truly desire to be like Him and I do , I need to take what He is teaching and put it to action, and so I try and pray I am doing as He desires. And I pray these teachings go deep into my soul so I can not only learn but help others, for life is full of hard things. I have always wondered why people with hard times have been drawn to me , what have I for them? Jesus showed me, even though I am not where I want to be, when I have been through things I can share what He shows and continues to show and work on in me, and yes sometimes, He allows us to go through it again and again, not as punishment for getting it wrong, but as a reward, for at the end is His glory.

Matthew 11:29-30 Jesus said "Take my yoke upon you  and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Joy

Lately I have been thinking so much about Joy, I suppose with Christmas coming you hear it so much more.
Pastor asked us what do we do with Christmas on Dec 26th, and other dates.

So I started thinking Joy, really deep down joy not just happy but always joyful even in bad, hard times or pain.

I went back to the first time I kissed my newborns head oh the Joy, multiply that being the Lord and loving us, WOW. He loved His son yet sent him away to be among men for us, I have an empty nest not the same, but no longer will you hear this girl say she is to lonely for her children. though I will miss them, at least I am blessed to be with them and see them when possible.
I prayed with Christopher today and tears streamed down my face, tears of love and joy, he listened to what the Lord had been sharing with me and said "Oh I love you momma"
He and I are both learning that pain in the offering sometimes makes it so much sweeter, and the offering God gave was  ultimate,
When I compare everything in my life with what Jesus went through it is so small , I know everyone says it, but it has been so revealed lately it is not just a saying, to me anymore.
I know I have been a Christian for a long time and this should all come easy, but I find too, I love that people are different as the body of Christ we are huge and needed in different areas. I don't want to be a cookie cutter Christan I want to be like Jesus.
So having been learning , There is Joy on the mountain tops or valleys if we choose, life is a series of choices, like an addict will tell you each day is a choice, so is the Christian life, will we serve with Joy, and keep it if everything goes wrong? if the car breaks?, if Lord forbid we lose a love one?
Joy for me doesn't mean I am happy that the car is broke, or someone dies, but that I have a Joy that no one or thing can take, Deep down in my heart is a joy that can't go away, even if I lose everything and everyone, as it has been paid for with the highest price, the Death of my Lord and King Jesus.
I can't be whiny if I don't get my way, I have to trust that Jesus is in control and I can keep my joy. There will be many a times I do get  my way and I pray I find them as blessings and not take even a moment for granted.
There will be days I feel pain,in my  heart and body, but those days I have joy, given to me, not earned, by my Love Jesus. I pray, I don't whine and Jesus gives me ways to minister through the pain to others.
I pray in all ways I can minister for Him as He calls , whether it be a phone call, note, or just a smile at a stranger in some way I want to bless others.
I pray that Jesus gives me so many doors open to talk aobut Him... For He died and rose to give me life
And I pray I continue to learn and grow deeper in love and stronger with Jesus. I am so thankful to not be alone, and to have the best pilot running my life. I love where He is taking me, and this journey with Him is filled with suprises, I know He has so much more to show and teach me and I can't wait.

30 days of Thanksgiving..... day 28

Today I am thankful for this little blog, a place to just write out my thoughts and think things through and have them to read back through at a later date. I am starting to feel a bit excited about the kids coming home form VA. I am so proud of them for making a new life out there but I miss them so.
Have had company the last two days and loved it have been getting a bit lonely yet, healing slowly, so the distraction has been great, and the human contact wonderful, we have a great dog, but he only talks so much, ya know. So today I am tired and it feels so good , refreshed by friendship.

30 days of Thanksgiving day 26

As I read face book and the 30 day of thanksgiving challenge, I see so many who have dropped of now that thanksgiving is over. Oh how I wish we would remember each day to be thankful, I saw a poster that said, "what if you only had today what you were thankful for yesterday?" Today I am thankful for music, it speaks to me... so much, as you can see. So many songs speak to what my heart and soul are crying out to God. I love photos also , but we currently have no camera and so it makes it hard to get those on here. But I want to .I don't want to be a photographer at all not my goal or talent, just want to show the world those things I love. FAMILY mostly I love knowing anything I try in myself, is not going to work unless it is God's will. Yes I can pump gas with out Him, or pay bills with out Him, but as I try and draw deeper to Him, those things are unfulfilled with out Him,for me. So if you see some crazy blond, talking to herself well pumping gas, maybe I am not crazy, maybe I was just being me, :) and needing to talk to my Father.( or maybe I am having a crazy moment and will be talking to Him soon ) So much of life can change in a moment. A child can speak to you and share their little heart and heal yours of so much pain, I so understand why God said we should be like them, they are honest loving and kind. OH to walk so simply through life. As the Christmas season approaches I am vowing to make it a wonderful time, Kristy, Dan and Ben and Elliot will be here from VA, and that in and of it self is such a great gift to Ken and I. Oh How I pray that all hearts may know the true reason about Christmas, that God loved us so very much He sent His one and only son to earth to die in our place... I am so very grateful.

30 days of Thanksgiving day 23

WOW day 23, Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I feel like the month has sped by. There is just so much in life I am thankful for I just can't stop at 30, and if I could I imagine something else would pop up and I would be thankful for that.

Today 4 little girls called to see how I was and say Happy Thanksgiving, as usual their dad checks all calls and if a number doesn't register to him he calls it back, so it was a nice little chat, he asked how my back was and he mentioned he was having lab band surgery, and so i shared with him I was also and it was just a nice little time of encouraging someone else.

It is for simple little phone calls that I am thankful for, and for being able to be of encouragement to others. I know it is what God has called me to do so when it happens I am ever so grateful. To share love, support, and let someone know I will be praying for them, that is who I am. I am nothing fancy, I don't have the fancy  clothes, to save money we have one car, and I am not the greatest cook, But lately God has shown me that I am the me He created and though I may not be perfect at all I want to be, I am the only one who can be me, and I am so thankful He has finally gotten that through my thick skull. Oh how many years I have wasted. Trying so hard to be something else, when right before me was the girl God wanted me to be.

I also love this lab band journey, it has opened doors to chat with people, Ken and I and the kids are all in agreement on it so that is cool. It will be life changing, but I go into with God, who has given me such a peace on it.

I am so thankful for what some may consider simply, to me, they are big, and sent by an even bigger God, He is so good all the time......

30 days of Thanksgiving.... day 21

Oh How I wish I had felt good all this month to have really put the time and effort into this I wanted to when I started.
Had my two week post op appointment, and the site is healing, and the muscles will take time as they were cut and nerves were moved, so what I thought was going to be done and over fast I find out today it will take about 6 weeks, and I need to rest a bit more, and sit less.  I got allot of walking into today and now am so very sore. I am thankful for good pain meds.
I am also thankful for a good friend who has been calling on Mondays and we have bee having awesome prayer time, needing it tonight , as I am a bit discouraged by the pain and finding out I need more time, healing. It gets lonely around here that is for sure.
Our oldest daughter is making thanksgiving dinner and I only need to make dinner buns, so that is fun. I am not used to that so I am excited , plus I don't have to do dishes, WOOHOO.. 

Thansgiving,,,,day 19

Wow this back thing has really sapped my energy and my 30 day plan here, NOT that I could not got through and have 30 days worth of things, I do believe I could have more. But sitting up still is very painful for my back, and I have had some complications with swelling, which makes it uncomfortable to do much at all.
I have been doing pretty well about keeping my spirits up, and keepinh busy reading and listening to movies, can't lay on my left side to see them.
Today I am thankful for the peace of God that is getting me through this.For with out Him I know not where I would be.

30 days of Thanksgiving..... day 16

Today I am so thankful for my dear praying friends, those you can turn to in sorrow or joy, and they will listen and pray and just be there for you. I am a week post surgery , and getting a bit more active daily, went and saw my dietitian and so one more visit is done. It is wild to believe how God is working this together, its has it moments,but for the most part, it is peaceful, I feel His grace surrounding me when I feel week, and I feel the love of my dear friends praying for me.
Thank you and bless you my dear ones!

30 days of Thanksgiving,....day 14

Yes there is about a week missing, the surgery went fine, and I am able to sit up a bit longer day by day, so I am thankful for that, Didn't realize how much I would miss sitting up, or sleeping through the night. The back spasms have been terrible.But even they are calming down day by day. It has differently been a learning process. Well My sit time is at it's end so I hear my bed calling better go see what it wants.

30 days of Thanksgiving ... day and 8 and 9

Yes I am cheating a bit today as tomorrow is my back surgery and I won't be able to get on here. Hopefully I will feel better fast and be able to be back at life soon.
But today I am thankful for the funny things my grandsons do, They make me laugh, today they were smelling each others feet.For no apparently reason. They are very happy busy boys and they keep their momma very busy.

I am also very thankful for my dog, we have a Samoyed and I am not grateful he sheds like he does, but I am so glad he is a loving, gentle dog.

So off I go. need to get some sleep tonight cause I don't know when I will again, HA I am a tummy sleeper and I have to sleep on my back for the next several weeks, so not sure how that will work.But I am sure I will find out!

30 days of Thanksgiving ... Day 7

Today I am thankful for my sisters, they are so very special to me and I just love them ever so much, they are both different yet so much alike. and it seems the older we get the better we like each other. Yep I consider myself lucky and blessed they are mine.

30 days of Thanksgiving, ... day 6

Today I am thankful for the fact, I was born into my family and have many cousins, These people I love like brothers and sisters, we have so many memories we made as young children and now that we are older and don't have as much time together, I still love and pray for them daily, their kids are like extra nieces and nephews, and I look forward to any visit, call or even facebook chat I can get with them.
Time passes but we always seem to be able to catch up, or restart where we last left off.
I think part of the reason I grew up loving people like I do was being part of such a loving family. So Today I am thankful for all my cousins. May the Lord touch each one and be near them, and send them all a hug from me!

30 days of Thanksgiving ...day 5

Today I am thankful for my parents. We had some lab work we had to run to their town to have done so we got  to have a wonderful surprise visit with them. My sister and her family , has lived with them for the last several years and had recently moved out to their own home only a block away.
SO after a nice visit and some yummy lunch, we took a walk to my sisters as I  had  not seen her house yet.
 I am loving this warm fall weather ... What a fun thing to just get up and go for a walk. it wasn't far so my back handled it well. Plus mentally the exercise was great.Can't wait till my back is better and I can get on my treadmill.
I love growing older and becoming friends with my mom and dad, more and more, they are so much fun. Yep I am very very thankful for them, and all the love and truth they have shown and taught me.

Psalm 57 3b.. " God sends His faithful love and truth" HCSB

30 days of Thanksgiving.. day4

I am so thankful for all my kids but since I have 30 days I thought I would take a day for each.
Today I am thankful for our daughter Michelle, she is 32 years old, and beautiful, strong and kind. She is her daddies girl but in the last 6 years she has become mine too. Today she came and finsished up a bunch of cleaning I wanted done, and brought me a grocery bag and a folder of DVD's to watch well I recover.
Totally a blessing, she helped serve dinner, and cleaned up after. She is living and going back to school, and looking for work. She is very much a go getter and we love her and I am so greatful she lets me call her mine.

30 days of Thanksgiving ..day 3

Today I am ever so thankful again for Skye, I love to be able to sit and chat in the middle of the day with my grandsons, whom I am over the moon thankful for, and their wonderful mommy and daddy... When the idea they were first moving  to the  Dc, area came out. I was shocked and sad. So much we would miss. But thanks to Skye we can talk and pretend to tickle and blow kisses back and forth, and we have watched Ben grown from a little 18 month old to a 21/2 year old. Elliot has grown so much, he can dial the phone and ask you to get online, he is writing his name, and we get to see it all.
They will be home over Christmas and I am so excited. Real hugs, I can't wait.
I am so thankful for the beautiful little family they are and the ability to still see and hear them so frequently!

Just some thoughts

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, the vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved. It is in our most trying times that our real character is shaped and revealed."

This is a quote by Helen Keller, and when I read it today it made me realize I was better for all I have gone through as of late, though I do not understand it at all yet, and the change is hard to deal with, I feel I have become a better person, via forgiveness both given to those who hurt me and from my heavenly Father.

Now I await the next step God has for me, though I know not what it is or where God will haveme, I know He has us in the Palm of His hand.

He knows the true desires of my heart, and He knows my talents and gifts He wants used.

So it comes to trust and patience and since back surgery is only a week away I have nothing to do but wait.
"Lord use me to the Glory of your will"

30 days of Thanksgiving ...day 2

 WOW the very number one thing I am thankful for is my relationship with the Lord.
I have put Him through more then my parents, and He still loves me and wants me.

I gave my heart to Jesus at age 11. At a meeting in our yard lead by sister from the Lutheran church, now.. the sister part confuses me and mom only vaguely remembers this, but I remember of hearing of the Love of God and Jesus who came and loved us so he DIED for ME!. I gave my heart to Him forever on that summer day.
I was blessed to have both my parents also become saved at that time, so from there on I was raised in a home growing in the Lord. Loving Jesus the best we could and serving Him.
Of course I grew up and lets just say that many things in my life I decide to do what I wanted more then what the Lord wanted during my late teens. But God has always been faithful to forgive , and direct me back to Him.
I have loved my life with the Lord, I know at times the relationship has been more one sided, HIM putting out more then me and as I have aged and really dedicated myself to serving Him and following Him daily and running after more of Jesus , things have been so beautiful and precious.
I love when He shows me things and allows me ways to act out service for Him, whether that be serving in church, or talking to a friend, or even a stranger in a store about His love. I want Him to be seen in all my life and how I live.
I love when He show me things in His word.I love when He shows me simple things like Joy being  Jesus , others and You. We are important to the God who created heaven and earth and he cares about us, and everything we go through, he wants a relationship with US.
Oh Yes I am so very thankful for my relationship with my heavenly Father. I can't tell you just how much He is my all in all.I Pray you know Him too!

30 days of Thanksgiving.. Day 1

No, I am not gonna eat turkey every day for a month, not that I don't like it ... I mean real heart felt things I am thankful for though. One a day for a month, seems so easy yet it can be hard. So many days I forget to tell the Lord what I am thankful for, and so many times I forget to tell people that I am thankful for them.

SO to start day one I will tell you I am thankful for my husband, he is patient for the most part with me all the time.
He adores me, even when I feel undeserving, and can not figure out why. He loves unconditionally and with out question, he is an absolute thinking type. Which at times makes for interesting conversations from this emotional thinking girl.

He is exceptionally gifted with wood working, a talent that I don't give him enough attention on. It is amazing what the man can do with a chunk of wood, we are talking, make, bowls, candle holders, vases, a music box. He loves turning wood.

He loves our kids, his and mine so much, and the older they get the more they are learning to appreciate the absolute thinking. I see a relationship between each of them he doesn't cause I am looking from the out side, just like he does for me.

He adores his grandsons and misses them so much, and never complains about it, only says supportive things, and lots of  prayers for his son, our daughter-in -law and grandsons.

Most of all he Loves the Lord with his all his heart, soul mind and strength, is a great spiritual leader for me, and a wonderful soul mate.
And today and every day I am thankful for my husband, may I learn to tell him enough how great I feel he is!

Weight, Pain and dirt!

I am a babbler, I get all nervous and I need to talk it out, like right now this very moment I should be trying my hardest to clean. My house is a mess, I have had back issues and let things slip. Well the herniated disc must be removed and I feel more crazy then I remember when I had a child, see that was a long time ago and I had months to get ready,
 I am lets get it done now type even if I have 9-10 months.   They saw me about 2 weeks ago and said surgery is highly needed , ran a few more tests only to confirm yes surgery is needed and it is in less then 2 weeks, wait a minute, how come I am seeing dust bunnies, actually fur bunnies every where since they called? Why is there black dog hair every where when he was suppose to be non shedding? Why do we have an invisible closet behind the couch?!?!?!? Like really non of us can carry anything to the proper place.
All these things are like on a scale of one to ten a ten right now, life is gonna happen no matter what I do, but hey maybe we could do with a little less fur and leaves, yes the dogs bring them in, everywhere.But I will find a way.

Great news on the weight front have lost 10 pounds so amazed, just met with the dietitian and she gave me 4 new goals so I will work on those also, this is also why the back DR was so wanting it fast, He wants me healed before my stomach surgery. SO yes I lost weight, ME ... food is losing it's ability to taste good any more, over my birthday I did let myself not diet , and I was able to give up all caffeine and sodas, so that is a grand accomplishment.

My pain makes it hard to sit, stand or lay to long, so that is a bummer , I have spent lots of time reading and praying and praying some more, I love that last night was hard to sleep but each time I woke , I had a song on my heart and sang myself back to sleep, yes in my head, not out loud, ha don't want to scare people,

Well this rant has helped, though I think and do believe I see dust every where, I feel better, Oh the price of free therapy is sweet.

Oh and if you see bunnies running around that look like half Samoyed and half CockerPoo, Dogs, nope they did not come from here you go ahead and keep them!!!!

Weight and life

Well I am gonna start on the weight front, I have again lost several pounds, and am so glad for that. I have completed my goal of giving up all diet soda and caffeine. And have made it through a very hard week with out going to stress eating or chocolate. Actually can not remember the last time I had chocolate. I am so glad for this and happy my body and mind are finding other ways to deal.

On the life front this past Sunday was one of the hardest of my life, I don't understand it at all. I love the Lord, I try to follow His word and still fall so very short, I am just so not worthy, I am so glad the Lord finds me worthy. Words have been said that have cut my heart so deep, I am trying to find my way out.
I feel lost. I am not longer working with Kids Klub and I thought that was the answer instead it hurts worse then I can take, my email gets things all the time with kid info. and my hurt reopens.
I don't understand attending a church where some people find me so offensive, and wrong and not able to hear from God.
I have never been able to understand how people can be so mean. I am struggling, and trying to tell my self only positive and truthful things. I have examined my heart and know none of it is what happened. But the idea of 4 against 1 and the thought that I am unable to be forgiven cause I don't ask right and if I hurt one I hurt all , so really who am I suppose to ask and why are you all talking about me and thinking of all these things anyways. And God what am I to do with it now??? Really  I need to know. SO I have spent lots of time reading, and praying and talking to people I respect. But it boils down to making a tough decision. and I hate those  So I wait ......I know God is on the other end of this so at least I am not alone.

Baby in the House

My Son Chad and his wife Tiff live here with us. They have been trying for 2 years to have a child, she has had troubles and just this past summer had an ovary removed. And about 3 weeks ago, they got a puppy , our furry grand baby they said.
So much to our suprise, we found out today Tiff is indeed pregnant. And we are so very excited for them and us.. . Can't wait to meet this new little one, grandma loves you already baby!!!!!

Holding On

I am taking comfort in what I feel God has shown me to do with a situation I  have been praying about. It is hard to finally take the step, and yet freeing at the same time. I feel it will bless my  husband  that I have had a rational mind about  it. It is healthy for me and I pray any damage done by my own wantings of things will be redeemed.I know it will as my God is a God of redemption.It is almost feeling like a new beginning, though it is fall, I feel a spring breeze flowing through me. I will let God be God and I will be me, sitting at His feet learning the best way to do that, and sharing His love with others, and Hopefully blessing others along the way.
No more trying so hard to make things work in my flesh, I have not been me for a long time and I feel freedom, having myself back. The me who is simply in love with Jesus . I am so thankful that God holds me. I so need it.

Happy Birthday Honey

Happy birthday to my wonderful husband. Life may not always be easy but I do find it easier with you at my side. I am so thankful for your strength, and love. Your way of looking at things totally the opposite of me and helping me broaden my thinking. You are just the person I love and am so blessed to grow old with, and am so glad your are doing old before me, you set a good example, still know I am not gonna handle it as well as you, I think I will continue to fight it for a bit, but you so do grow old graceful well.
Could go on all day about how I love you and thank God for you. But will just keep this short and tell you to your dear face. Love ya babe!

Weight loss update

So on my weight loss journey, I am liking things lots, met with a registered dietitian last Friday and it was awesome, learning new ideas for eating,sure lots of people have heard them and maybe I had to in the past , but it was one of those things where you  go" light bulb" it finally was my time to really hear. It has been fun as yesterday we celebrated my honey's birthday and I had the kids eat slower with me, I need to chew things at least 25-30 times, and use the smaller plate, no bigger then 9 inch filling 1/2 with veggies and 1/4 with protein and 1/4 with starch, and that is going well, I love veggies so it helps. God has helped so much with the stress /emotional eating and cutting back on diet soda has helped. I did not know diet soda made you so much more hungry.
Plus we are slowing down the process a bit. I need 5 more dietitian visits at one a month, this way the healthy eating habits will be well ingrained in me, and the increased water won't be so hard to drink,  I will have completely given up diet soda and caffeine.
I feel very positive this is what I am to do, I have the insurance to do it at this time.
And it is time for me, I have never put time into myself , I give it to others, and so I am ready, and it feels good.
So excited to see what time brings, and what life changes will happen. I know  with God it will all be amazing.

I will Praise your name

Sitting at the kitchen table big deal for me as of lately that old ugly depression has reared it's ugly head, but it brought with it, lots of PTSD. And I let it take hold, of who I am, how I think, and cause me to hide.I love my bedroom, life basically stays away there. But I am excited, Ken and I are going to work on communication, it is one thing to talk and another to truly communicate. To allow both to have their voices   and not become over the top and go to bed for days.
I am also excited to see what I will have taken away from this time and what the Lord has been teaching me and  what  He will have me do with it, to help others I always hope that I can be of help to others.
Taking time off from Kids klub for a couple weeks to refocus, this is hard, I love the kids, and I love teaching them and miss them already, but if I am not the best me I can be,I can't give them the best and they need it so. That is the only thing I can hold on to as Satan would like me to feel like I have failed in some way, or that things will be better with out me and I would not be needed again. FEAR it can eat a person away, I am learning again and again, to not let it.
My sister has decided to have her stomach done with me, kinda like a biggest loser thing, she has less to lose, but is younger and has high blood pressure which I do not and so her health things are a need for her. . Excited for my appointment with the surgeon this week, I continue to work on the pre-surgery weigh loss, So thankful for this tool to help with this problem.Having Ken get a new leash for Rory so we can be out walking in this beautiful fall weather. Fall is my favorite season.

Who I am

Lately I have been having some hard days ,emotionally feeling sad, and looking for the right answer. I Believe so much in every word of this song, it is me, God is making me , I wanna be HIS work, not made by
a man, a thought usually negative, or a past that maybe was not perfect, but can still affect me strongly. so I am searching on letting go, and letting God, Oh I have always wanted to serve HIM, even as a young girl I thought about being a nun, serving him full time, mind you I am I am not Catholic nor I have ever been. Just a girl who wants to serve. I don't feel like am a leader though, I love  to serve side by side, to love and give time,love, listen, whatever a person needs.But I am not organized, I am not a great planner, I can do those things but they come so very hard to me, and cause such painful stress.
I truly believe I was not made to lead, but I don't want to give up teaching for lack of leading, Oh I am praying today that the right things work out , and that I can continue to serve, I don't want change, but maybe fall is bringing that in. Oh Lord show me what to do.As I have grown to love each precious child so very much, I only want what it best for them. Your will Lord not mine.

On the Weight front

Wow feast or famine on my  thinking and blogging, I need to lose 24 pounds before I can have surgery, I think after surgery for stress eating substitute, I will start race walking, as yesterday during stress, I wanted food, boy oh boy, but then I remembered my time at Birch Haven, great place in Clam Lake WI.Where I went to discipleship school, I lost weight and could walk to town in less then an hour and it was 5 miles . I want that back. That is one of the many questions you have to answer going into this, also committing to a life with no diet soda, or you will have weight gain, lots of water drinking, and possible vomiting if you eat to much or the wrong types of food, hey.... the reality is , this is a tool and I need a tool, I have tried and tried, I freak at 24 pounds cause hey if I could lose it, I would of already... also hair loss, that may be vanity. Working through that one. So my journey has begun, I have started meetings, and such and have periods of total excitement and others that dang chocolate thing comes up, but a lady I met through the meetings says the mini chocolate bars become enough and of course you only have one, but she said if you keep to the diet your stomach stays small enough to have one be enough. So knowing now the insurance will pay, and I am starting feels good. When I find a way to scan, we don't have one, will have to blog from my in laws, I will scan in the picture they took of me at the start, it is OK pic, and I usually hate pics of me. So we will do a now and a 100 pounds later one, and hopefully a few in between, unless of course I lose my hair, then all pics are OFF.

Overwhelmed

WOW some times I am just so not sure of how many blows can be thrown at ya at once, A little boy who came to church just 3 years old was beaten to death by his mom(40) and boy-friend (24) . Both are in custody, but I still ask myself why? How? Did I love enough like Jesus?
So many hurting young hearts that had babysat him, how do you comfort them? Yes he is on the Lap of Jesus, and no better place then that , but the pain still feels a bit much right now. So lots of hugs and tears and prayers were all I had to give.
Then I truly believed for the best in a situation and I thought it came about only to turn 180 on me this evening. I am so confused, should I keep going, give in and give up, I feel old.
To top it off, my dearest friend and cousin, fell and hurt herself , and her father is dying and because of dealing with the silly issue, I keep missing her call. Oh Jesus thank you for holding me, and hold each one that is missing Devin right now, and comfort their hearts. Holy Spirit rain down your comfort.

Earthquakes, Hurricanes and Love

WOW, what a week for our kids in Virginia, they had a earthquake, yea .. nothing about it makes me want to try it. and then the hurricane Irene, this weekend. They have come out with out any problems and I thank the Lord for that . To think He loves us that big is always so amazing to me to me, I want to always have that amazing Love for Him and be in awe  of His love  for me. Oh how I know I am not worthy of it, and to be so loved and wanted in relationship by the creator of the whole world, That is big.

Big things are coming up that I have been praying about and for, some exciting, like teaching 252 at church. WOW to be with these kids is so awesome I know I say that all the time, I am praying for boldness, to stand in front of people,it has never been me, don't like lots of attention, so how far I have come is only  through Jesus is all I can say with out His strength  I never could be doing this..
The other thing I have been praying about is 9/11 yes for the US, but also it will mark the 6 month anniversary of the earthquake in Japan, Please see my side bar for Andrea Swarthouts blog,( Andrea's Adventures) she is a missionary and daughter of our Pastor, she has been there through it all, Oh how I am joining her in praying for these people. The conditions there are frightening to say the least. Yet they go on day to day. May they find their strength is given by God, who loves them so.

And life goes on.. OK so yes a Beatles song just traveled through my mind. I love my sisters in Christ, and One who is living out of state just sent me some DVDs and books to read.. One is After God's own Heart, I started it last night at 9:05pm, yes I looked at the clock, and at 10:35pm, felt like I had only been reading for minutes, I am really loving it.
Well it is time I become domestic.. not really wanting to, but hey, once I start I like the outcome!

So not feeling simple

I have had such a burning desire to draw deeper to the Lord, and coming off the best week of VBS, 5 little hearts given to Jesus, how precious and special is that, there is nothing better. It was pure straight spot on Bible teaching, the turn out the last night of parents was awesome. Just lots of good from God came of it. Well since I am not trying to hid and act like we are some perfect people cause God knows I am so very far from it.  I love all our kids with that mama tiger love and would do any thing I could for them, but as they are adults now and all have their own opions and desires and WILL! that don't always line up with things I like at all. The last few days have been pure attack in this area. It is frustrating and I know we can't compare one child to the next, but it is hard when one can go through something and learn and grow up so much from it, and another... Oh Lord help up. He is not seeing how he is hurting himself, others or us, nor does he care. Tim will tell you himself he doesn't intend to change, he is happy as is, with a 2nd DWI and doesn't want to change, nor take any responsibility for his actions, and I feel like by now something we have worked to show this young man should be showing in his life and it is not , I know he has free will. and this is a case I am learning that the Lord , will not take that from us. Not gonna lie, I would love even a day for  this boy to see what can come of being good, of having a love and respect for the LORD!  That life is fun and full with out alcohol. But that is not gonna happen so we need to find the right ways to deal with him, and set up healthy boundaries for all of us. and not have to feel divided. Tough love is going to be hard. BUT I know it is time, he can't hurt others and it be OK. Oh I know I pray Ken has the strength, he loves his kids and with Dan moving and being so far away, I see his longing to try and be even closer to the others. I pray we do and say just what the Lord wants us to . Nothing more or less, that we are bold, and wise in our speech and actions. Oh this journey, it is never boring. But the reward will be so awesome. Life with Jesus, yes better is one day in His courts then thousands else where, that is what this girl holds on to and believes.

He is in the garage!

We are actively in the mist of VBS at church. It is a wild, busy, amazing time. Children have such a simple way of looking at life. 3 of them gave their lives to Jesus tonight, Oh thank you Father!
Tonight we had a little one say "Jesus lives in the garage" when asked where He lived. YES I totally am thinking of how to change some of my teaching methods, :) but in all honesty, Are we letting Him have our WHOLE heart, a heart that is maybe broken, maybe shattered, maybe feeling fine, but is He living in all of it, our have we put Him , or only allowed Him to live in the garage? Is it all about HIM!

Oh I want to give Him my all , He wants and deserves it, He died for it. He wants a relationship with us, one where, when life is feeling shattered, and stress is more then I can handle, I don't have a panic attack bigger then life and run out of church just in time to vomit in my husbands peanut can.
Bless you babe for having that handy!

I am the type of person who needs to process things and life feels so rushed and today instead of letting Jesus comfort my heart, and run my life I  think I maybe only let Him into the garage.
Instead of taking a few minutes to sit at His feet and cry and give Him the craziness of the day, I kept going , how often we do that, think we will make time for Him later, and He is a breathe away.
I know He was and is with me but I needed Daddy time at His feet, I needed to have Him looking at my whole heart to see it all. and help me deal with it all. I needed to do more quiet time with Him today. I need to become bolder to shutting things out and having that time, where I bring my heart to Him.
As simple as a child believes what they are taught and believe and know Jesus loves them. That I want, yet with the maturity too He has given me, I want to run after Him with all that is with in me.I want it to be all about Him.
When yelled at by some one in this life, I need to run after more of Jesus, give Him more of me, not just a quick, "Oh Lord make this stop"
When  I am sitting next to my hurting, learning hard life lesson child, I need to have been prayed up to handle anything so I could be supportive, even when it hurts my heart and rips it to shreds to see him pay such a price to learn a lesson, I need to remember my heavenly Father loved me enough to send His son, and watch Him get torn to shreds, hung on a cross, betrayed, and die. And that same Heavenly Father loves my son more then I do... Which must be over the top, as I adore the child to pieces, itty bitty pieces.  I must start looking at the good in this. This beautiful young man will have a few days of suffering but, his out come is now one of total freedom, He is in love and engaged and now can be free of lots of worldly things and be a GREAT husband. He  can look back into employment that is more his style. He sinned , he did wrong and he knows he has a price to pay, it is not easy. The road may be bumpy. But I have to find ways to take my hurt heart to the Father, and believe that as much as He can comfort me He will also my child. I have to be thankful, my child knows to go to His heavenly Father for help. and BE SO GRATEFUL, that he has had mercy shown to him, that he acknowledges, he needed for this to happen to be a better man. It takes a big man to admit he was wrong.

" OH Jesus, help my heart be strong, help me be there for my son, help me not put business and emotions before time with you, Lord, I give you all my heart, full of love and adoration, full of praise and worship to you. Give me wisdom and understanding, Help me be strong, and when my son comes to me hurting help me guide him to you, for I gave him to you as an infant and I give him to you again today, you have allowed me to be in his life and he has blessed me so.Thank you so much for him.
Thank you so much for loving me, for dying for me, for making a way for me. I love you so...AMEN!"

Simple wonderful worship, , How amazing that the Lord of all the earth would love ME!
It is a stormy morning here, and  reflection comes easy... I love storms, they amaze me, the wind, the rain, the rolling thunder, YES I am well aware of the damage they can do. SO aware, the kids house had a tree go through the wall this summer, and yet with all the damage in that area, the wall is still not fixed, they go with out power at least 3 times a week lately.
Yet things are not punishments from God, they happen, BUT .HE.STILL. LOVES!
God is a God of love.. He longs for us. He wants us to be Holy as He is holy, to love as He loves.
Some times I think it is easy to forget that first love for the Lord, yet we are called to it, and as mature believers we are called deeper. To renew our love a love that is deep and costly. It is hard to be attacked, but we are covered by grace and love.
I say this as it is what I am trying to practice, I cry at His love, I cry about the things I would like to be easier or different, I long to see my grandsons, Ben just turned two yesterday, he was 18 months old when he stayed with us last. so much has changed, He is not a baby, he is now a toddler, who thinks grandpa and grandma live in the computer. It hurts , but it doesn't change God's love.
Oh how I long to be known as a woman who loves God, if nothing else comes of my life that when I pass, people will say,"she loved Jesus" I want to be like him and serve till I can't move, Pray in silent for those in need, to pray for the broken world. And to show as much love as I can, as hard as it can be with some people, some people just don't want it. That is so hard for me to understand, to not want love. I have always thought it was a human need, but I have run into hearts that are just so hard, they don't care, or at least are not ready to care or recieve. They need our prayers. Our selfless prayers for others.
I have been so blessed to be in contact with a high school friend who is following the Lord, oh the joy and friendship, and the prayer times, are such a blessing. Something I had been missing in my life.God is so good to have let us reconnect at this time. I cry with joy , each time I see an email, and phone calls just can't last long enough. Having some one to share with about how much I love the Lord, and what is going on is such a blessing. and then to go to HIM in prayer before we say good bye.
It is those small things that get forgotten when one hurts.
Oh Lord I  am amazed by YOU!

A week

I has been a week since I have written, Can't figure out why I don't each day. My blood sugars are so responding well, they are under 150 every morning with several mornings being 117 and in the low 120's more then not, so I am so thankful for that, it is such a good thing, I hated the feeling of having it be to high. My appointment is still scheduled for August 2 to start looking seriously into the lap band, my back has hurt so badly lately that I know the only way to get it somewhat better is to be thinner, I know it can't fix the damage , but every one says it will help. The last few days have been hard, some are worse then others, doing dishes is torture, Wish there was a way to fix the dishwasher.
But I have been trying hard not to lift like the Dr  said.

Been reading and have read and devoured the book " The Call to the Wall" and am now reading  one on fasting. SO excited to see what God is gonna do In my life. I so want more of Jesus and to be more like him. So I have a meeting with my kids klub staff tonight and am so excited , God is so going to do so much in these kids.
 So I am  off to finish my notes and see what I can make my man for dinner.

He is

I know God is doing something in our lives, and I know He has our best interest at heart, I tend to not be patient, or lately to motivated to continue the same things, I want change, not sure where, IN.ME. for one, I want to be all God has called me. I am feeling , blessed, excited, stretched , and a bit anxious and frustrated with the new program I will be starting with Kids Klub, I hate when there are Internet glitches, and that is the only problem right now, but I want to also do it all PERFECT. I want these kids to have the best.

I have set up my first appointment to look into the lap band, that has me totally nervous and wondering if it is the Lord or I am lazy, for I don't want the easy out. I know it still won't be easy but I am still working so hard to lose, know that menopause has come early I am freaked by that. it makes me feel like I have lost even more time.....and that I  will continue to be round all my life. pun intended.  HOT FLASHES are evil that is all I have to say about that , in the famous words of Forest Gump.
I think Forest Gump is one of Ken's favorite movies just for the line," I love you Jenny"
He has been working extra hard, and we have gotten some time together when we are not to tired to interface, gosh I have no idea why I love that word, Our Dan taught it to me and I look for reasons to use it lately.
Can I now blame all my goofy thinking on menopause, hmmm I know for so many years it was the blonde thing in me, wow what if now it is both?

I have been missing chocolate, but have not really had a carb missing time, so that is nice, have been balancing the 3 meals and think I am doing OK.
SO every day is another step and that is all I can do is keep walking it..

Well....

WOW so much for getting here every day, yesterday I spent the day learning and enjoying learning about the new curriculum I will be using Wednesday nights at church, it is called 252 basics, and I am finding it amazing.

I have gotten my morning blood sugars down some again the past two mornings so I am feeling really good about that, it means I have been watching closely what I am eating and though I still need to be stricter, per myself, it is showing in those numbers and that is a huge relief to me.
So I will keep on doing what I am doing, keep a couple appointments I have this week and go from there, Got a migraine today so oh my I am thankful for spell check, it is actually funny how many words I have written backwards and misspelled.

Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad!

A long time

Been so long since I have wrote on here, it is wild, been busy with new life goals and as always Kids klub at church being a big thing on my heart. Oh how excited I am to continue to see these kids grow in their love for Jesus.
I have decided to document my weight lose journey on here so every day I will try and write something, I have had such terrible blood sugars and so I have been working on getting them lower and very strict following my diet the last couple days has brought them down some. I hate the roller coaster of emotions that come with blood sugar levels going up and down like crazy.
Oh how I admire my newphew who is 5 and had diabetes since he was 3 , he is learning to understand his little body, check his sugars and it is all part of his normal routine , he is so cute and sweet.
 So I need to lose this weight and am even considering the Lab Band surgery as something needs to be done sooner or later, my health is showing  it now and it makes me sad that I have sinned and let myself go so terribly, I know this hernia  and groin muscle tear is the last straw. I want to feel good and this is serious business.
So though it will be tough, I will make it through this. will find a way to post a starting picture and updated ones as they happen.
Accountability, that is what this will be.

He is officially engaged

Christopher called and he and Rosella are officially engaged, WOW, I wish he understood how wild this is for me, I will always see my boy in the men they have become, and of course I found a song that says it all. Raising my two boys was a challenge I would do over and over again, and Oh boys know I am so proud of you both, and Rosella, what a joy to know you will be daughter-in-law, I love you so much already.

A Journey

Wish I could say it was through mountains, or a wild African trip, but it is a book, It is By Mike Bickle " The pleasures of Loving God" and some of it I have loved and others not related to as well, I love the part of falling more in Love with the Lord, and seeing him as a bride waits for her bridegroom to anticipate my time with him with such love, reverence and Awe, and the part on intercession, I LOVE PRAYING, I  love praying for other's, I just love to talk to the Lord. Mom would say I just love to talk, and boy am I grateful I have a heavenly Father who is always willing to listen. 24/7

Today is one of those days where I feel I can't do much but pray , everything hurts, ever joint feels like it is gonna give out, even the TMJ is so bad, hmmm no talking.

Ken is putting in a long day at work as we have had so much rain that he has not been able to, he is building a pergola.. which after pretending I knew what it was for a couple days finally caved and asked, it is an out side kitchen... fridge, sinks cupboards everything. It will be beautiful I am sure, God has given him such talent.

And we have the whole house to our selves, the kids are up to Duluth for a family wedding on their side, and  so I hope we can have time together to enjoy it, already planned Ken's dinner so that is ready.

On the grandson front, they call me well Mommy is making dinner and Mr Ben, the almost 2 year old already went down the deck steps, so Elliot went after him, and listening to him scold his little brother was so dang cute, ' He calls him to come several times and then counts to three, the whole time Ben is saying , NO , so Elliot says, "fine I will go up with out you" I am so laughing, and as Elliot is walking up the stairs, he says" he is following me now grandma he knows when to listen"
Oh how we miss these boys, Found Ken looking at their house on google maps and being teary, and missing them, We knew when they left Ben would grow so fast, but his little hair cut has made him totally look like a big boy, oh how we love them.

Well I think I will go find some Tylenol and pray and try and get this pain to go away a bit, last night I had such a burden for the lost and lonely. Oh their are so many who need to know the Lord , I don't want to feel like a whiner cause I have Fibro , cause I have the greatest thing ever a relationship with the Lord. I love music so will end with this one.

Random thoughts from a tired mind

I love this song and found it again so fitting this afternoon as I walked into the court house and it was raining," Lord what good was coming from all this, I want to believe that it will all work out and that, you will have your way fixing it and you will be glorified, but it hurts so much sometimes"
As always you provide the strength to get me through, and I know that your will is what I want in all this and for those I love.
I am so thankful that the trial for Chad's attacker is over, and that justice will be served there and he feels some closure, and he knows you and knows that he has to forgive, I am so glad at least I know our kids know you Lord. Though they have to walk their own lives and there lives will have pain and disappointments, so not what I wanted, I always want to give them a life that is easy and not painful....But what if they need all this to know you more, and follow you... Oh that is my prayer that my children are so in love with you Lord, as I am .
Father's day is coming and it is painful this year as I have befriended the boys Peterson side of the family on face book, and their oldest sister has posted a picture of her dad for Father's day, and seeing him, with his race car, the thing he choose over us is so very hard, HE .WANTED. A. CAR. more then us!?!?!? How do you register that? I can't and I look at the boys and think, how do they, with what they are going through in life  right now shows they so didn't handle it or his death so well, So I cry and pray that some how they will heal, I know they can choose to, and they say they want to, but it comes to patience for this momma as I want them to do what I think is best, and they are young men now, not my beautiful babies, still beautiful I think, but not babies, they are husband and husband to be, they are hard workers, they know they have to work to make it in life, they don't look for hand outs, They are funny  and loving and respectful, they know that life isn't always easy. So part of me feels like I did OK raising them, yet I always doubt myself, and I hate that I see a picture and I ask it "WHY" I will never get answers, But I love where God has brought me to , and I love my Kenny, I just need To know that the Lord has healed so much in me and will continue to as long as I let him, He will be with me, and teach me and walk it all with me. Even though I will have tears, and sleepless nights that tire this old brain, He loves me and I stand in that, that God is good all the time.

Bits and pieces

Usually I like to hear things with everything included. Nothing held back, this is what happened and this is what is done about it , or this is how  it will be done and this is what the result will be.
But life as I get older and find I have no or little control over anything , it's given to me in bits and pieces, at first OK maybe still this is frustrating for me, but today finding out some bits was about all this old heart could take, they were bits I longed to know, and thought I was so ready to hear, but after hearing some I am so thankful they came in bits, and that the person sharing them felt the Lord was doing what had to be done in his life. I wish the bits had never happened,I wish I had noticed, I wish I had seen. I wish I could fix everything !
Even if I had known it all , what could I have done but made myself crazy with worry and frustrated the person with questions, and maybe driven him away forever? Oh How I have to rely more on trusting the Lord completely even if it is gonna be painful, and have more patience and let Him work instead of trying to do it for Him, I am so good at that. wish it could be a job, I feel like God's red neck, "get er done" and God is saying, "Sit it down and wait, I will do it in my time"
So I am  once again sitting at the Lord's feet and asking for patience, asking for wisdom, and strength, and a silence till my words can be not of shock , but of "OK, I am listening"
These lessons can be so big, but sometimes I have to know they are not my lessons but someone else's and I am just to support them.

This Morning!

¹⁷ My soul has been deprived  of peace;
    I have forgotten what happiness is.
¹⁸ Then I thought: My future  is lost,
as well as my hope from the LORD.
¹⁹ Remember  my affliction and my homelessness,
    the wormwood and the poison.
²⁰ I continually remember them
    and have become depressed.
²¹ Yet I call this to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
²² Because of the LORD's faithful love
    we do not perish,
    for His mercies never end.
²³ They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness!
²⁴ I say: The LORD is my portion,
    therefore I will put my hope in Him.
²⁵ The LORD is good to those who wait  for Him,
to the person who seeks Him.
²⁶ It is good to wait quietly
    for deliverance from the LORD.

<sup>I read these verses this morning they are from the HCSB. I have been trying to read and memorize more of the word lately. We watched a movie called the "Book Of Eli" it was about a man who at the end of the world wanted to get the one Bible left to a place that printed books , Of course the bad guys got it from him and wounded him badly, yet he got to the printers and was able to quote the whole thing, it was ingrained in him Word.for.word. I may never get it word for word but I want it all in there, all of what God has , I have heard and said" the mercies of the Lord are new every morning" so many times, but well reading this, WOW, nothing was different for the writer of this from thousands of years ago then what I go through today. It is almost as if he was living my life. the word of the Lord is for each generation when people say there is nothing in there that applies to today, wow, we have so many verses we can show them if we know where they are. 
The Lord has so laid Titus 2:7 on my heart in regards to my teaching the children on Wednesday's and Sundays.
'about everything. Set an example of good works yourself, with integrity and dignity  in your teaching. '

It is such a responsibility and I want the Lord to help me lead the children right to Him , I think about the poorest of the poor, in other countries and my heart aches, yet it aches just as much for those right in front of me in my own neighborhood, church, and family. I wish I could just take in everyone and help them. I know that is not the total answer, The answer is JESUS...... Nothing else will change the whole world but Him. He is mighty to save.
So this day I will wait quietly for Him to answer, to give me the words to share, the love, the amazing, unconditonal love that only comes from Him. And the patience to see what He has for us in all of this.</sup>

Just thoughts

I love Jesus, I love to worship him, I can sit here in the office and sing and praise Him for hours.
For the last couple weeks I have just not been feeling good at all and yesterday had to miss one of the most special nights of the week to me, teaching Kids Klub. I feel so badly. God has given me so much love for all those kids and I want them to know how very much He loves them, and wants them to know Jesus as their Saviour and forever friend. They are so not alone.
Neither am I in the mist of stress, trials, and illness, I have a faithful God, FOREVER! I run to Him for refuge, He comforts through His word, I love my Bible, Ken got me such a neat study Bible for Christmas. He sends comfort through music, and through His children.
I so want everyone to know Him. It is such a time of hurting in this world, and I just want people to know that Jesus loves them , that we don't have to be a certain way, or wear special clothes, to go to church, that we can come to Him , just was we are and He will lift us up and love us.
It makes me sad when I hear people talk about others, it makes me sad when I do it also. I am praying so that the Lord works this out of my life, that the words that come out of my mouth will be ones of , love, joy , encouragement. That I would speak that way all the time to my husband and Children too, Oh how I fall short with them the most.
I wish it was instant... that I could just be changed in an instant, but it is a refining process, I have learned, sometimes it hurts, others I feel like it is slow, and sometimes I grow weary, but God doesn't stop and so I must not either.

" Lord let my faith arise,help me to be the Jen you want me to be, help me control, my thoughts, my tongue and show me how to be healthy, show me the answer to my silent petitions I lay before your feet, thank you for sending your Son to love, ME... Help me show others your love, acceptance and forgiveness. Help me be a light, salt an example of your precious son. continue to grow me, refine me and use me,In the Precious, Victorious name of Jesus AMEN"

God does give joy after tears!

I love the story of Timothy learning of the Lord from his mom and grandma, I have Christian parents so I never want to discount my dad, but having raised Chad and Chris alone, I give so much credit to my parents for who we all are today, to have put up with all the raw emotions we all went through, to have to be parents again to the boys when I was mentally and physically unable, they were GREAT and GODLY , they still are ... I myself have prayed for my boys since even before they were born and did try my best to raise them to know that Jesus loved them and that with out a relationship with Him, life would be harder and missing something, No I am not saying just knowing Jesus makes life easier, you still go through hard things, times ,losses, but you are not alone.
  I am a fixer even now with adult children I find myself wanting to fix things for them. I find myself feeling badly for what they go through feeling like some how it is my fault. I have been spending time talking to the boys about their relationship with the Lord.I am not gonna be here forever, they need to learn , and have their own strong relationship with the Living King, I can't do it for them.
Last evening for some reason I had lots of tears about them,I was able to get Chris a new Bible, as I haven't gotten them one since their high school study Bibles.. Chad found one he truly enjoys at an International Bible Givers meeting he went to with Ken, so he had  new one, and Tiff had one, and a very precious dear friend gave Christopher's Rosella a beautiful study bible .. So it was just finding a grown up one for Chris I had left to do. I was so blessed to find him one and give it to him this afternoon, to read some of it with him and have Chad join us... WOW that is what my heart has longed for . To sit over lunch and talk about the Lord and have them listen, to pray with them about the things in life they are going through and listen to the things they feel the Lord has changed in them , to hear them say ... what I have gone through lately has made me grow up and know I need to be closer to God. WOW... What joy filled my heart, and what peace as I let go knowing, I too have to trust the Lord to take care of things, kids always teach me something , I do believe that is why I love working with them even know.
  Oh how I thank the Lord for his word, the boys have decided to read Job, on their own that is what they picked, and so Monday we meet again and they will tell me about it. I told them to read it slow, and ask God to show them something out of each verse. I as always stand in awe of my Lord and thank Him, for this to some maybe a small thing, but to me it is huge. And the joy of knowing that my sons though they may walk through some hard times, will not walk it alone, Jesus will walk with them.

Grandsons

This is Elliot, he is now 4 years old and he is the most precious, loving, little young man, he made Ken and I, grandma and grandpa, His Birthday will never be forgotten as he was also born on my mom's birthday, so very special to me if to no one else. I love this little man to the moon.

This is Ben, he is now 21 months old and he sealed the loving being a grandma deal, he is funny, cuddly, such a precious almost no longer baby, From  the moment I met him I was in love. His mom and dad share their children well, from the time Ben was about 6 weeks old he and Elliot would get to come spend the night with us, we got to enjoy Ben's first smile, his first laugh, and watch he and his brother become friends. Rock him, sing to him and just enjoy them both so VERY much.....

At the end of January, the boys came to stay for several weeks well mom and dad went to DC. Where Dad had been given a great job offer. Their mission to find a home in Virgina to raise there family. We had the boys through the month of February, and the night before they left was so sad, it would be the last of night time prayers, and kisses and stories for a bit of a long while.

We love skype! It gives us time to see the boys and talk with them and mom and dad, not the same as real life , but it helps so much, though we do often have a few tears every time we say good bye.
Some days it is still so raw on missing them, then I remember it has only been a few months.
God gave them to just the right mommy and daddy, they are happy, healthy and well adjusted.
We miss mom and dad too. Blending families is a different thing, and we blended older children, I so totally thought it would be a piece of cake, but with anything in life that is worth it , it has taken some work to trust, and love. I just pray now that all 6 kids know how much God has grafted them into our hearts and how we love them with such a precious love.

I love the special bond the boys give Ken and I , no one else can be us to them.To these boys I am grandpa's and he is mine. I so thank God for them daily and pray they come to know the Love of their Heavenly Father at an early age.

Love you to the moon boys forever and ever!

Tuesday

So far this week I have done great on my diet, yes it is only Tuesday, but it is still 2 days better then feeling like I have not done good, so I will keep at it, Thursaday I plan to fast as Chad has a job interview on Friday and I want the best for him so I will spend extra time in prayer instead of eating. It would be a great job for him, any job would he is a great kid. Psalm 26 blessed me today, this is the ESV version. I love the Lords word

26:1 Vindicate me, O Lord,
for I have walked in my integrity,
and I have trusted in the Lord without wavering.
2 Prove me, O Lord, and try me;
test my heart and my mind. 

3 For your steadfast love is before my eyes,
and I walk in your faithfulness.

4 I do not sit with men of falsehood,
nor do I consort with hypocrites.
5 I hate the assembly of evildoers,
and I will not sit with the wicked.

6 I wash my hands in innocence
and go around your altar, O Lord,
7 proclaiming thanksgiving aloud,
and telling all your wondrous deeds.

8 O Lord, I love the habitation of your house
and the place where your glory dwells.
9 Do not sweep my soul away with sinners,
nor my life with bloodthirsty men,
10 in whose hands are evil devices,
and whose right hands are full of bribes.

11 But as for me, I shall walk in my integrity;
redeem me, and be gracious to me.
12 My foot stands on level ground;
in the great assembly I will bless the Lord.

Oh Lord thank for this day to  serve you!

A gentle breeze

Today started different then I planned, I was woke by my oldest son at 8am wanting me to drive him to his grandfathers for a visit for several days. This wasn't the day we had planned on me driving him and his wife up there so I of course grumbled "why' and let him know I hate waking up so fast. I like to take my time and dose and think about getting out of bed, not rushed just OK, lets do it. But up and ready I got, not thinking to much about it, cause there are still feelings that can make me so raw, and sometimes even angry, and lots of times confused. I called my dear hubby at work and let him know that I was taking on this project of driving several hours each way to bring the kids where they wanted to be. He bless his heart was able to decide to come with as he had all his hours at work in.
So off we head, I had my diet coke, and good christian music on the radio and love ones in the car, driving with the windows partly down as it was a beautiful spring day. I did so good getting there, I remembered where I was going and safely delivered my son to his grandfathers home so he could help him out for a bit.
I backed the car out of the drive way and that is when the first wave it, I tried to let it go, and told hubby there was a place in town I had found I wanted to show him, I had not been to this town since my boys were 12 and 13, after there dad died it was the only time their grandma asked me to bring them for a visit, the boys are 22 and 24 now so they have not had dads side of the family in there lives for so long, both boys are struggling in different ways as young men about their father not being here.
Hubby and I went to cute little craft store that was in a remodeled old old home, right next to it is an old one room school house that has been remodeled into a restaurant, so we had a ice cream cone and looked around and then it was time to get back in the car, I asked hubby to drive as my back had , had enough.
As he was driving out of town the waves grew stronger, I could hear conversations that had happened between the boys father and I leaving that town 20 years ago, unpleasant, hurting, abusive things being said to me like it was happening, I was picturing the beautiful little boys in the back seat, and I wondered, " what did their little minds  think"  I haven't thought about these things in years, the abuse that is. Never do I remember being as wondering about the boys as I was today, I think it is cause I have worked through so much of it and they are still trying to work it out. Part of the reason the boys didn't see their dads family is cause their dad's mom didn't like me much , as just before he died he decided to cheat on me and want out of our marriage, which shattered me , I had stuck in through all the abuse, his bi-polar episodes, moving 27 times, cause I believed it was gonna get better, I didn't want to fail, I didn't want the boys to not have daddy around. God creates marriage its a vow and I didn't want to let Him or anyone else down.  Had I been talking to someone else I would have encouraged them to run, but I hide my life.I had my work life and home life and so when the EX said he was out, I lost it, total nervous break down, how could I endure all these 14 years, lost babies, one micro preemie from being hit well pregnant, the verbal abuse, the all of it, and he get to leave it was just so unfair and his mom knew he was abusive, she called one day and I was crying and she said, "what you crying for he isn't hitting you right now , grow up."
So as hubby was driving out of town, I was watching the trees blow in the wind and  all these things came  to me about the past and it was so heavy. On the way up we had lost the local christian station so we tried some country music, but that just made me sad going there, so we had it off.  Well I told hubby about all the things I was remembering and hearing and he said to start praying, I said I was gonna try and see if there were any music I could find there has to be a christian station some where, we were way out in the boonies, so to speak and on the way there hubby could not find one, so I flipped on the radio and started looking and with in minutes there it was, Music to sing to my Jesus, to empty my heavy heart and head, so I laid back, hubby opened the window behind me and I sang, prayed and cried and the gentle breeze coming through the car, carried all my heart ache away, far away where the Lord can take care of it , It was like He reached down and held my heart and found the broken, hidden, dirty part, and blew away the dirt,found the broken area, and put it all back together. Oh how thankful I am to have a heavenly Father who loves me so just as I am and helps me to be all I can and more like Him is how I want to be.

Simple or complex

I was told today that I am a complex person, to smart to be simple." why would you call your blog my simple life?" I don't consider myself simple minded, just simple in what I believe and how I live, I know I have a brain that is confused by life and all that is happening lately,  and  I know I have used it to hold a very hectic career as a nurse, and I know I have lived through so much in life, sometimes more then I care to remember..... Finding out a niece was having her tonsils out brought out some deep PTSD from when Chris had his out and hemorrhaged.
My mind is a wonderful complex thing, but I wish it wasn't , a girl can dream. But each thing I have gone through has made me who I am. and like I said, I like me, well most the time.
I think I am to hard on my husband. I know I am, it is one of those things where he thinks like a guy and I like a girl, hey maybe cause we are, but going through all this he is much calmer, more trusting, just able to ride the waves, and my fix it NOW mentality doesn't always go with his it will work it self out.. so today, I am sorry I am short with him, no pun intended to the fact he is over a foot taller then me, and I intend to work on it on , as I LOVE YOU MR. KISROW , no matter what .
Now I am off to ice this back of mine, wish I had a simple body, no pain that would be awesome.Instead I have physical problems that keep me from doing all I desire. SO thankful that once we get to heaven we are made new.  So maybe I have some complex things about me, but I just still simply love the Lord and walking with Him, and trying to make life more simple. It is a growing thing.

Why I am doing this

I attended a great Beth Moore study at our Church last evening, we are studying" Esther, it is tough being a woman" Beth talked about transparency and that is why I feel the Lord calling me to do this . Also the challenge to document my weight lose on here was brought to me today and I am gonna take it, I am gonna be accountable to the Lord and write it out here for anyone whom it may help. He is my portion, so I want him to help control my eating and teach me to crave more of him and less of chocolate. And lots of other things too! It is not something I really want to do, but feel it is what God wants from me right now,it is not my usual.
I tend to hide behind a smile and laugh and pretend all is well with life, there is only  two people at Church who even know our struggles, I don't want pity, I am not asking for anything, though I must say as humbling as it was the food from Pastor and Suzi, was such a blessing and so much help. It seems so much easier to tell this way then face to face, and I am not even sure anyone reads maybe that is why God wants it this way to just get me ready.
As it says in Hebrews 11:6b "The Lord is my helper: I will not be afraid . What can man do to me?" I have spent my life worrying about what people think, it is time to only be concerned with what the Lord thinks.
  These are big steps for me and I am excited to see how the Lord directs them and what he does through them. Oh how I pray it is fruitful.

Palm Sunday

This was a wonderful day for the mear fact the Lord is Good, and to be in His house and praise Him, to learn from a God fearing, Bible teaching Pastor... to teach Children that Jesus is what Easter is all about and watch them light up as it comes to make sense to them, Awww yes that is a wonderful day.
Working with kids at church has taught me, why Jesus wants us to be like them, their faith is so innocent, there is no doubt, they believe it, a precious little one this morning told me she believes Pastor more them me,  Bless her precious little heart,not that she did not believe the story I told her but when he confirmed it, she was so delighted, it is that kind of love and respect I love to see in kids, they love with out fear.Only cause of the world do we even have fear, but with Jesus we need to fear not...Oh somedays it is so easy and others I fall back into fear and worry, the future holds something different for us, this I know, I wish I could just know now what it was, I can deal then , how do you deal with the unknown, betting God is saying, "Patience dear child", that is one thing I have known for awhile I have needed to work on. SO I will give it to that today, and enjoy this precious day the Lord has given and wait.

Feeling deep in a Valley

 Right now we are going through such a hard time, a VERY HARD  TIME we are in financial ruin of the utmost kind. I have been through so many hard things in my life( they may or may not ever be shared here) and I know now how God moved and used those those things to help me be the person He has made me today, who I like, it is wild to finally be comfortable in your own skin, it feels so wonderful..
But as I search my heart to find out what the Lord  is trying to teach me it is silent, He is not speaking. I read the word and find comfort. Psalm 28:6" May the Lord be praised for he has heard the sound of my pleading." HCSB. I have faith He does hear, but yet to tell what is going on.
On top of all of what Ken and I are going through, as a mom I sit and watch my children go through some of the hardest things in there lives and all I can do is pray,  that they learn their lessons, and that this brings them closer to the Lord, But as A mom I cry too, I want to take away the hurt, I feel I messed up some where, that  they have to learn these things now, I see them mourn the loss of their dad 10 years later, why was I so selfish I didn't spend more time helping them, then feeling my own pain... oh How ones mind can go to town  with negative thoughts. I do have to admit, I see Chad growing closer to his Heavenly Father  every day. We are blessed to be in an amazing Church with an amazing bible teaching pastor and he has the most Godly wife and she is so there for everyone, we are blessed. I know we are blessed we are free to love the Lord and to worship him, and who am I that I should feel so sad about things, things I see no human way out of , but as the next verse in Psalms says (28:7) "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. Therefore my heart rejoices ,,, and I Praise Him with my song." I find I must trust him , as I do love and believe in him and it is all that keeps me going.
So maybe I should take up singing, my mom sings well, but I tend to lean more towards my daddy's voice, flat , a bit monotone, but he likes to in make a joyful noise to the Lord too, and whistles , I can't whistle, hmm. Will have to ponder this a bit.  There is something to writing it out, to praying it through. To know deep down, as gross as oatmeal for lots and lots of meals sounds, it is food, God will be thanked for it. And soon Oh soon Dear Lord show us what is going on, bring us out of this to your Glory. Redeem it oh Lord as only you can.

~Jenni~

A start

It is funny to think of this as a start as I have already lived so much life. This is just my page to share , what the Lord has shown me, the hills, the valleys and the mountain tops. My family they are so important to me, Oh how my life is better because of them, Today I was able to talk with my 19 month old grandson who has chosen to call me Neenni, his Jenni version, and nothing makes me happier then being his Neenni, and his brothers too.So Today I start putting life in simple form, what ever happened to pen and paper,  I will chart my journey as I walk it, don't expect much I am as simple as they come, I love daisies, flip flops, you get the idea. But I thank the Lord for the chance to have a place to write it all out. Be blessed!