Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Feeling Stronger

The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father's God, and I will exalt him. Exodus 15:2

Feeling stronger and less guilty about needing to take care of myself, I have had 2 major surgeries in the last 6 months . I had both to end medical problems and lead a more productive life, in hoping  to be able to do more for the Lord. I know I am in love with the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and rejection has been a big issue for me all my life, and I have dealt with it allot, but talking to our therapist this morning I realised that ,Jesus is everything to me, so to be rejected in the area of someone saying I did not hear from him, and was unforgivable, was such a blow and with not feeling well, and continued rejection in a small setting , where I have tried to show kindness, I still smile at these folks and greet them with a good morning or hello, It is hard to have someone completely ignore you like you are something less then anyone else. And I still to this very day am not sure what I have really done, I just want unity and I do believe that is what Jesus wants to .. Plus I want others to know Him, He is returning and asked us to go and tell others, to love the Lord and to love your neighbor. He told us to love, and I so do love loving on people and helping them and serving. It is my makeup and I do not need to be sorry for that. I need to continue growing in Christ, cause I do believe we are never done, and I need to be the healthiest me I can to go through allot of the things in our lives right now. And I do so believe, Jesus is directing us and holding us through all this and He is so strong enough, Oh what a comfort to know I am not alone, He is holding me and loving me and believes in me and wants me and will continue to use me, as I allow Him to. I am not a religious person, I am in a relationship for a life time, with an awesome faithful Father!
We need to move, we have children going through trials, and they need us and JESUS, and we have a new grandson to be making his appearance soon who will need us. If I look at all this it is lots, but I know we will make it and we will grow together even closer cause we do love each other and are devoted to the heavenly Father.
I have forgiven, and I know I need not care what others think, and I will keep working on that , but God also uses things to move us on, and maybe this was just His way to get our direct attention to real prayer of where we should be.
For now, I need to finish healing this back, and keep healing and learning to live with my new stomach, and continue in relationship with the one and only living God.
Yes things are His, He will make all things right in his time. For He is God and is good all the time.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Feeling Broken...

For all my life I have battled depression on some scale. At times it is not a big deal and I manage fine, other times, I can do things I need to just have this underlying sadness. And yes I have had times I have not been able to get out of bed for the life of me. Or even felt worthy of living.
I know they prepare you before gastric bypass that depression can settle in, and so far till last Sunday I had done so well, I don't regret my decision to have surgery, I am not starving, I feel good about it. But Sunday I am not 100% sure of how it happened but I went down, and have not been able to really get back up, I am reading my Bible daily, listening to worship music, doing more around the house, and exercising daily , which does help some. I just want to leave a situation, that I feel is not gonna change and I feel tired of trying, I miss things that I was doing, I miss relationships from the serving I was doing, and I am feeling so empty not being used. I don't see it changing, I know God is able , I just don't know what or when He will change things.
And I want to not have the stress of it all to think of, I feel selfish I want life to be about what I need right now to take care of myself.
But I have always put myself last and not taken the best care of me. Never felt worth it. But I am finding I am worth taking care of, and if I don't take of me, no one else will.
So I am trying to work through this and I pray I can, I know somehow I will,I have to believe this.
I have to believe that somehow the right things will come to Ken and I about what we should do.
Quitting is not always a bad thing, As I believe we have to much to give and do to waste time. So many people need to hear of the Lord. I don't want to be stifled. We are mandated to go out and tell others, it seems so simple, add in commitment to people and things get a bit messy.
So I write my depression plan and how I will continue to work on this and who I will call if it gets worse, and all that. And once again wait for this time to be over. But right now I am not alright.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

So greatful...

I love music, and so many songs have spoken to me and become real prayers of my heart .
This is one of them, I so want to Love Jesus and have others know HIS love. I don't want anything I say or do hinder that, and I fall so short of that.
Knowing Jesus doesn't make one perfect, Forgiven, not perfect, we need to daily leave ourselves behind, and that can be ever so hard.
But I know I want a relationship with the risen Lord, and I run after Him, with all that I can, I pray I don't hinder or make life sound rosy just cause I know Jesus, I just have Him to walk through things with , cause there are still hard things and times. I just have become internal on things Keeping more to myself then sharing. That can be good and bad. Sometimes it makes you feel alone.
But I am never alone, He walks with me and carries me through all of it.
I know Christian's to some seem judgemental and I feel so badly about that, Cause judging is the Lord's job, not mine, mine is to love.  So I am praying this today. May you be blessed and know you are loved beyond measure.
"Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break MY hearts for what breaks yours"

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Finally my back is strong enough that even though it has not been a long duration I have been able to exercise the past 2 days. It feels so great, not to much flare up in back pain, plus the PT girl gave me some core strengthening exercises too and those I can really feel too.
Plus it helps mentally, I have been a bit down and the endorphins really helped lift that today.
Found out my A1C was 5.9 which means I will start getting rid of the last few units of Levimer insulin over the next few days. So exciting, as it has taken me awhile to get over not taking metformin with my meals. It feels great to have beat something as big as diabetes, I don't know how it works but this surgery stops type 2 diabetes. And not having that and the side effects of it will give me a much longer life, Plus I am the only "fat girl" I know who does not have blood pressure problems. All my siblings do and both parents so I do consider my self so blessed in this.
Still having foods that don't always agree with me, but once the vomiting stops like I told my honey, I really do have to say I feel great. It is all about slowing down, last evening I took a Tylenol and didn't get it broke right and boy did it take forever to throw it back up. But then I was fine.
Actually went to a Sunday School meeting and took my own food and did OK. I have not shared this with everyone at church, just a few good friends who have been so very supportive.
So to eat different for me is a big deal, I don't like to have attention on me , but I can not hide forever.
So the house has been cleaner and with the decrease in back pain , I am believing I can keep it that way. still some organizing I want to do before the new little grandson gets here, yet if I don't get it all done I won't beat myself up. That is a new goal for me to be a bit easier on myself. And enjoy each day to the fullest, instead of wishing a day away that could hold many blessings.
I love me anything Beth Moore, and I brought her book "Praying Gods Word', what an awesome book loaded with scripture. I have been using it daily with devotions.
I am so thankful for great worship music that speaks to me, this song has been one I have been listening to lots lately. Lord thank you for loving me!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Another month

Well I am two months out from surgery and for the most part I feel good, getting stronger in PT. and more active, not tolerating to many foods well. I should be trying 1/2 c portions 3 meals a day of regular food and I tend to need more soft foods, and for some reason, lots of things take time to get used to again, I can not handle turkey or chicken, but I couldn't handle eggs for a bit and can again now.
So I am hoping in time for this to change, I am just not a big red meat eater. Have been able to keep very small amounts of spaghetti down, so that is good. I have a life time so I am trying not to rush it or push myself to hard, don't want to end up to discouraged.

As far as other things in life they seem a bit big to try and talk about right now. I think I need to figure them out and Ken and I need to  come to an agreement as to choices we have to make.

Have a Dr appointment tomorrow and will post weights then as I have been hearing in support groups it is not great to weigh your self at home, as weight can go up and down for so many reason. So here is looking at tomorrow.