Friday, April 29, 2011

A gentle breeze

Today started different then I planned, I was woke by my oldest son at 8am wanting me to drive him to his grandfathers for a visit for several days. This wasn't the day we had planned on me driving him and his wife up there so I of course grumbled "why' and let him know I hate waking up so fast. I like to take my time and dose and think about getting out of bed, not rushed just OK, lets do it. But up and ready I got, not thinking to much about it, cause there are still feelings that can make me so raw, and sometimes even angry, and lots of times confused. I called my dear hubby at work and let him know that I was taking on this project of driving several hours each way to bring the kids where they wanted to be. He bless his heart was able to decide to come with as he had all his hours at work in.
So off we head, I had my diet coke, and good christian music on the radio and love ones in the car, driving with the windows partly down as it was a beautiful spring day. I did so good getting there, I remembered where I was going and safely delivered my son to his grandfathers home so he could help him out for a bit.
I backed the car out of the drive way and that is when the first wave it, I tried to let it go, and told hubby there was a place in town I had found I wanted to show him, I had not been to this town since my boys were 12 and 13, after there dad died it was the only time their grandma asked me to bring them for a visit, the boys are 22 and 24 now so they have not had dads side of the family in there lives for so long, both boys are struggling in different ways as young men about their father not being here.
Hubby and I went to cute little craft store that was in a remodeled old old home, right next to it is an old one room school house that has been remodeled into a restaurant, so we had a ice cream cone and looked around and then it was time to get back in the car, I asked hubby to drive as my back had , had enough.
As he was driving out of town the waves grew stronger, I could hear conversations that had happened between the boys father and I leaving that town 20 years ago, unpleasant, hurting, abusive things being said to me like it was happening, I was picturing the beautiful little boys in the back seat, and I wondered, " what did their little minds  think"  I haven't thought about these things in years, the abuse that is. Never do I remember being as wondering about the boys as I was today, I think it is cause I have worked through so much of it and they are still trying to work it out. Part of the reason the boys didn't see their dads family is cause their dad's mom didn't like me much , as just before he died he decided to cheat on me and want out of our marriage, which shattered me , I had stuck in through all the abuse, his bi-polar episodes, moving 27 times, cause I believed it was gonna get better, I didn't want to fail, I didn't want the boys to not have daddy around. God creates marriage its a vow and I didn't want to let Him or anyone else down.  Had I been talking to someone else I would have encouraged them to run, but I hide my life.I had my work life and home life and so when the EX said he was out, I lost it, total nervous break down, how could I endure all these 14 years, lost babies, one micro preemie from being hit well pregnant, the verbal abuse, the all of it, and he get to leave it was just so unfair and his mom knew he was abusive, she called one day and I was crying and she said, "what you crying for he isn't hitting you right now , grow up."
So as hubby was driving out of town, I was watching the trees blow in the wind and  all these things came  to me about the past and it was so heavy. On the way up we had lost the local christian station so we tried some country music, but that just made me sad going there, so we had it off.  Well I told hubby about all the things I was remembering and hearing and he said to start praying, I said I was gonna try and see if there were any music I could find there has to be a christian station some where, we were way out in the boonies, so to speak and on the way there hubby could not find one, so I flipped on the radio and started looking and with in minutes there it was, Music to sing to my Jesus, to empty my heavy heart and head, so I laid back, hubby opened the window behind me and I sang, prayed and cried and the gentle breeze coming through the car, carried all my heart ache away, far away where the Lord can take care of it , It was like He reached down and held my heart and found the broken, hidden, dirty part, and blew away the dirt,found the broken area, and put it all back together. Oh how thankful I am to have a heavenly Father who loves me so just as I am and helps me to be all I can and more like Him is how I want to be.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Simple or complex

I was told today that I am a complex person, to smart to be simple." why would you call your blog my simple life?" I don't consider myself simple minded, just simple in what I believe and how I live, I know I have a brain that is confused by life and all that is happening lately,  and  I know I have used it to hold a very hectic career as a nurse, and I know I have lived through so much in life, sometimes more then I care to remember..... Finding out a niece was having her tonsils out brought out some deep PTSD from when Chris had his out and hemorrhaged.
My mind is a wonderful complex thing, but I wish it wasn't , a girl can dream. But each thing I have gone through has made me who I am. and like I said, I like me, well most the time.
I think I am to hard on my husband. I know I am, it is one of those things where he thinks like a guy and I like a girl, hey maybe cause we are, but going through all this he is much calmer, more trusting, just able to ride the waves, and my fix it NOW mentality doesn't always go with his it will work it self out.. so today, I am sorry I am short with him, no pun intended to the fact he is over a foot taller then me, and I intend to work on it on , as I LOVE YOU MR. KISROW , no matter what .
Now I am off to ice this back of mine, wish I had a simple body, no pain that would be awesome.Instead I have physical problems that keep me from doing all I desire. SO thankful that once we get to heaven we are made new.  So maybe I have some complex things about me, but I just still simply love the Lord and walking with Him, and trying to make life more simple. It is a growing thing.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Why I am doing this

I attended a great Beth Moore study at our Church last evening, we are studying" Esther, it is tough being a woman" Beth talked about transparency and that is why I feel the Lord calling me to do this . Also the challenge to document my weight lose on here was brought to me today and I am gonna take it, I am gonna be accountable to the Lord and write it out here for anyone whom it may help. He is my portion, so I want him to help control my eating and teach me to crave more of him and less of chocolate. And lots of other things too! It is not something I really want to do, but feel it is what God wants from me right now,it is not my usual.
I tend to hide behind a smile and laugh and pretend all is well with life, there is only  two people at Church who even know our struggles, I don't want pity, I am not asking for anything, though I must say as humbling as it was the food from Pastor and Suzi, was such a blessing and so much help. It seems so much easier to tell this way then face to face, and I am not even sure anyone reads maybe that is why God wants it this way to just get me ready.
As it says in Hebrews 11:6b "The Lord is my helper: I will not be afraid . What can man do to me?" I have spent my life worrying about what people think, it is time to only be concerned with what the Lord thinks.
  These are big steps for me and I am excited to see how the Lord directs them and what he does through them. Oh how I pray it is fruitful.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Palm Sunday

This was a wonderful day for the mear fact the Lord is Good, and to be in His house and praise Him, to learn from a God fearing, Bible teaching Pastor... to teach Children that Jesus is what Easter is all about and watch them light up as it comes to make sense to them, Awww yes that is a wonderful day.
Working with kids at church has taught me, why Jesus wants us to be like them, their faith is so innocent, there is no doubt, they believe it, a precious little one this morning told me she believes Pastor more them me,  Bless her precious little heart,not that she did not believe the story I told her but when he confirmed it, she was so delighted, it is that kind of love and respect I love to see in kids, they love with out fear.Only cause of the world do we even have fear, but with Jesus we need to fear not...Oh somedays it is so easy and others I fall back into fear and worry, the future holds something different for us, this I know, I wish I could just know now what it was, I can deal then , how do you deal with the unknown, betting God is saying, "Patience dear child", that is one thing I have known for awhile I have needed to work on. SO I will give it to that today, and enjoy this precious day the Lord has given and wait.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Feeling deep in a Valley

 Right now we are going through such a hard time, a VERY HARD  TIME we are in financial ruin of the utmost kind. I have been through so many hard things in my life( they may or may not ever be shared here) and I know now how God moved and used those those things to help me be the person He has made me today, who I like, it is wild to finally be comfortable in your own skin, it feels so wonderful..
But as I search my heart to find out what the Lord  is trying to teach me it is silent, He is not speaking. I read the word and find comfort. Psalm 28:6" May the Lord be praised for he has heard the sound of my pleading." HCSB. I have faith He does hear, but yet to tell what is going on.
On top of all of what Ken and I are going through, as a mom I sit and watch my children go through some of the hardest things in there lives and all I can do is pray,  that they learn their lessons, and that this brings them closer to the Lord, But as A mom I cry too, I want to take away the hurt, I feel I messed up some where, that  they have to learn these things now, I see them mourn the loss of their dad 10 years later, why was I so selfish I didn't spend more time helping them, then feeling my own pain... oh How ones mind can go to town  with negative thoughts. I do have to admit, I see Chad growing closer to his Heavenly Father  every day. We are blessed to be in an amazing Church with an amazing bible teaching pastor and he has the most Godly wife and she is so there for everyone, we are blessed. I know we are blessed we are free to love the Lord and to worship him, and who am I that I should feel so sad about things, things I see no human way out of , but as the next verse in Psalms says (28:7) "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. Therefore my heart rejoices ,,, and I Praise Him with my song." I find I must trust him , as I do love and believe in him and it is all that keeps me going.
So maybe I should take up singing, my mom sings well, but I tend to lean more towards my daddy's voice, flat , a bit monotone, but he likes to in make a joyful noise to the Lord too, and whistles , I can't whistle, hmm. Will have to ponder this a bit.  There is something to writing it out, to praying it through. To know deep down, as gross as oatmeal for lots and lots of meals sounds, it is food, God will be thanked for it. And soon Oh soon Dear Lord show us what is going on, bring us out of this to your Glory. Redeem it oh Lord as only you can.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

A start

It is funny to think of this as a start as I have already lived so much life. This is just my page to share , what the Lord has shown me, the hills, the valleys and the mountain tops. My family they are so important to me, Oh how my life is better because of them, Today I was able to talk with my 19 month old grandson who has chosen to call me Neenni, his Jenni version, and nothing makes me happier then being his Neenni, and his brothers too.So Today I start putting life in simple form, what ever happened to pen and paper,  I will chart my journey as I walk it, don't expect much I am as simple as they come, I love daisies, flip flops, you get the idea. But I thank the Lord for the chance to have a place to write it all out. Be blessed!