Friday, April 29, 2011

A gentle breeze

Today started different then I planned, I was woke by my oldest son at 8am wanting me to drive him to his grandfathers for a visit for several days. This wasn't the day we had planned on me driving him and his wife up there so I of course grumbled "why' and let him know I hate waking up so fast. I like to take my time and dose and think about getting out of bed, not rushed just OK, lets do it. But up and ready I got, not thinking to much about it, cause there are still feelings that can make me so raw, and sometimes even angry, and lots of times confused. I called my dear hubby at work and let him know that I was taking on this project of driving several hours each way to bring the kids where they wanted to be. He bless his heart was able to decide to come with as he had all his hours at work in.
So off we head, I had my diet coke, and good christian music on the radio and love ones in the car, driving with the windows partly down as it was a beautiful spring day. I did so good getting there, I remembered where I was going and safely delivered my son to his grandfathers home so he could help him out for a bit.
I backed the car out of the drive way and that is when the first wave it, I tried to let it go, and told hubby there was a place in town I had found I wanted to show him, I had not been to this town since my boys were 12 and 13, after there dad died it was the only time their grandma asked me to bring them for a visit, the boys are 22 and 24 now so they have not had dads side of the family in there lives for so long, both boys are struggling in different ways as young men about their father not being here.
Hubby and I went to cute little craft store that was in a remodeled old old home, right next to it is an old one room school house that has been remodeled into a restaurant, so we had a ice cream cone and looked around and then it was time to get back in the car, I asked hubby to drive as my back had , had enough.
As he was driving out of town the waves grew stronger, I could hear conversations that had happened between the boys father and I leaving that town 20 years ago, unpleasant, hurting, abusive things being said to me like it was happening, I was picturing the beautiful little boys in the back seat, and I wondered, " what did their little minds  think"  I haven't thought about these things in years, the abuse that is. Never do I remember being as wondering about the boys as I was today, I think it is cause I have worked through so much of it and they are still trying to work it out. Part of the reason the boys didn't see their dads family is cause their dad's mom didn't like me much , as just before he died he decided to cheat on me and want out of our marriage, which shattered me , I had stuck in through all the abuse, his bi-polar episodes, moving 27 times, cause I believed it was gonna get better, I didn't want to fail, I didn't want the boys to not have daddy around. God creates marriage its a vow and I didn't want to let Him or anyone else down.  Had I been talking to someone else I would have encouraged them to run, but I hide my life.I had my work life and home life and so when the EX said he was out, I lost it, total nervous break down, how could I endure all these 14 years, lost babies, one micro preemie from being hit well pregnant, the verbal abuse, the all of it, and he get to leave it was just so unfair and his mom knew he was abusive, she called one day and I was crying and she said, "what you crying for he isn't hitting you right now , grow up."
So as hubby was driving out of town, I was watching the trees blow in the wind and  all these things came  to me about the past and it was so heavy. On the way up we had lost the local christian station so we tried some country music, but that just made me sad going there, so we had it off.  Well I told hubby about all the things I was remembering and hearing and he said to start praying, I said I was gonna try and see if there were any music I could find there has to be a christian station some where, we were way out in the boonies, so to speak and on the way there hubby could not find one, so I flipped on the radio and started looking and with in minutes there it was, Music to sing to my Jesus, to empty my heavy heart and head, so I laid back, hubby opened the window behind me and I sang, prayed and cried and the gentle breeze coming through the car, carried all my heart ache away, far away where the Lord can take care of it , It was like He reached down and held my heart and found the broken, hidden, dirty part, and blew away the dirt,found the broken area, and put it all back together. Oh how thankful I am to have a heavenly Father who loves me so just as I am and helps me to be all I can and more like Him is how I want to be.

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