Friday, April 20, 2012

Feeling Broken...

For all my life I have battled depression on some scale. At times it is not a big deal and I manage fine, other times, I can do things I need to just have this underlying sadness. And yes I have had times I have not been able to get out of bed for the life of me. Or even felt worthy of living.
I know they prepare you before gastric bypass that depression can settle in, and so far till last Sunday I had done so well, I don't regret my decision to have surgery, I am not starving, I feel good about it. But Sunday I am not 100% sure of how it happened but I went down, and have not been able to really get back up, I am reading my Bible daily, listening to worship music, doing more around the house, and exercising daily , which does help some. I just want to leave a situation, that I feel is not gonna change and I feel tired of trying, I miss things that I was doing, I miss relationships from the serving I was doing, and I am feeling so empty not being used. I don't see it changing, I know God is able , I just don't know what or when He will change things.
And I want to not have the stress of it all to think of, I feel selfish I want life to be about what I need right now to take care of myself.
But I have always put myself last and not taken the best care of me. Never felt worth it. But I am finding I am worth taking care of, and if I don't take of me, no one else will.
So I am trying to work through this and I pray I can, I know somehow I will,I have to believe this.
I have to believe that somehow the right things will come to Ken and I about what we should do.
Quitting is not always a bad thing, As I believe we have to much to give and do to waste time. So many people need to hear of the Lord. I don't want to be stifled. We are mandated to go out and tell others, it seems so simple, add in commitment to people and things get a bit messy.
So I write my depression plan and how I will continue to work on this and who I will call if it gets worse, and all that. And once again wait for this time to be over. But right now I am not alright.

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